. E 

B59! 




THE 



WARS OF THE GULLS 



AN 



HISTORICAL ROMANCE. 



IN THREE CHAPTERS. 



Chap. I. Shewing how, and why, and with whom 
the Gidls went to war. 

Chap. II. Shewing how the Gulls make the deep to 
boil like a pot: 

Chap. III. Shelving how a certain doughty Gene- 
ral of the Gidls goes forth to play the game of 
Hull-Gull in Upper Canada. 

" And from the pinnacle of glory, 
" Falls headlong into purgatory." 



JVEW-TOBK: 

PUBLISHED AT THE DKAMATIC REPOSITORY, 

Shakespeare Gallery. 
* 1812. 



610 [HULL.] The Wars of the Gulls. 8° boards, un- 
cut. New York, 1812 (1890) 

Only no copies, reprinted for Charles L. Woodward, 1890; 
Mr. Woodward's whimsical prospectus of the reprint is inserted. 

r 

1, „ , • - - . „ A lampoon on Gen. 

Hull, his campaign against Canada, his conduct at Detroit The 
identity of the author has not been satisfactorily established- the 
work has been attributed to Samuel Woodworth and other writers 
01 the period. 




Class E 5 b ty 
Rnnk . D $tf / 



THE 



WARS OF THE GULLS; 



AN 



HISTORICAL ROMANCE. 



IN THREE CHAPTERS. . 

Chap. I. Shewing koto, and why, and with whom 
the Gulls went to war. 

Chap. II. Shewing hoic the Gidls make the dee}) to 
boil like a pot. 

Chap. III. Shelving how a certain doughty Gene- 
ral of the Gidls goes forth to play the game of 
Hull-Gull in Upper Canada. 

" And from the pinnacle of glory, 
" Falls headlong into purgatory." 



NEW-YORK: 

published at the dramatic repository, 
Shakespeare Gallery. 

1812. 



E3 L 4 

71 



-7$ ^ 



- mi 



Not knowing what else to be at though perhaps I 

ght as well be sucking my fingers for any profit to be 

£ made out of either it does seem as though book selling is 

about the poorest kind of business a man can go into and 

^"all the more promising kinds of business like politics and 

V beer and religion and other genteel businesses suitable for 

Vn) men of small capacity and of course little or no capital unless 

it is borrowed and who is going to lend it to 'em without 

security and where is the security coming from I 'd like to 

know seem to be very much overdone I am going to reprint 

the rare and funny thirty-six page lampoon I don't know 

who wrote it I wish I did please turn over and see the 

title I am afraid I may not get money enough out of it to 

pay the printer but that's his lookout and he seems to realize 

it too for in setting up this circular he tried to make it read 

as he thought it ought and I had to insist on his following 

copy if anybody wants it enough to send me seventy-five 

cents or promise to pay when he gets the book and I know 

he is all right he will get a copy printed on this elegant 

paper and bound in flexible boards and nobody else will 

get as much as a smell of it so no more at present 

CHARLES L. WOODWARD, 

78 Nassau Street, 

New York. 



1890. 

- will take cop ..Reprint of " WARS OF 

THE GULLS," at 75 cents. 



THE 



WARS OF THE GULLS; 



AN 



HISTORICAL ROMANCE. 



IN THREE CHAPTERS. 



Chap. I. Shewing how, and why, and with whom 
the Gulls xoent to war. 

Chap. II. Shewing how the Gulls make the deep to 
boil like a pot. 

CiiAr. in. Shetoing how a certain doughty Gene- 
ral of the Gxdls goes forth to play the game of 
Hull-Gull in Upper Canada. 

" And from the pinnacle of glory, 
" Falls headlong into purgatory." 



NEW- YORK: 

PUBLISHED AT THE DRAMATIC REPOSITORY, 

Shakespeare Gallery. 
1812. 



no Copies Reprinted 

for 

Charles L. Woodward, New York, 1890. 



TUE 



WARS OF THE GULLS. 



Chapter I. 

Shewing how, and wky, and with whom the 
Gulls went to ivar. 

I E that have listened with astonishment 
to the ancient battles in Grecian song of the 
Frogs and Mice, and who have dilated 
your jaws with consternation at the red 
slaughter of the Pigmies and the Cranes ; 
you are invited once more to expand your 
mouths and once more to erect your ears at 
the recital of deeds unexampled in history, 
unparallelled in fiction, unattempted in prose 
or rhyme, and utterly unknown, unseen and 
unheard of— save in the Wars of the Gulls. 
It was on a foggy afternoon, such as, 
Virginians are accustomed to counteract 
with a mint julep, and such as cloudy heads 



find congenial to cogitation; that the Sage 
of Montpelier, the commander in chief 
of the armies of the Gulls, retired to his 
lolling-chair to ponder on the destinies of 
the nation. The declaration of war, by 
virtue of which the whole nation of Gulls 
were to pounce vmguibus et rostra upon 
the unprotected heads of the Bulls, their 
lawfully appointed enemies, was in his 
hand. A map of British America was un- 
der his feet, blotted and defaced from carv- 
ing ; but accurately divided as if Ell icot 
had drawn the lines from celestial observa- 
tion. The margins and spaces usually 
blank because unexplored, were copiously 
filled with the names of their future disrni- 
taries, the favourites of their puissant com- 
mander. Here was a viceroy of Labrador, 
and there was a collector of customs on 
Mc Kenzie's River. A victorious general 
was military governor over the fragments 
of Quebec, while an uncouth looking colo- 
nel was plenipo. to the Dog-ribbed Indians. 
"Who," said the chief of the Gulls, as he 







cast his eye over his dependaneies, "who 
can like me put his thumb on a whole con- 
tinent at once ? What potentate so colos- 
sal that in bestriding his empire, he can cool 
one toe upon the north pole, while he warms 
the other at the southernmost cape in Flor. 
ida ? These are the true limits of my do- 
minions ; yes, I am to have Canada, or Fe- 
lix Grundy is no prophet, and William 
Widgery is an unprincipled deceiver. 
Take Canada, say they, before the ice 
breaks up, and as for the rest it may be ta- 
ken at any time for the ice never breaks up. 
Plant but a standard in Canada and the 
subjects of oppression will rush by thous- 
ands to receive the oath of allegiance, and 
to become incorporated with the great na- 
tion of the Gulls. A few weeks more and 
my myrmidons shall be scouring the wil- 
derness and beating the bushes, from King- 
ston to lake Winnipeg. No need of more 
recruits, for the renegadoes of the fur trade, 
the scape-goats of British oppression, shall 
come over in swarms to join the invincible 



6 

standard, and daily add new Gulls to the 
conquering legion. No need of provisions, 
for the lakes have fish, and the woods are 
teeming with the delicious flesh of bears 
and prairie dogs. No need of clothing, for 
the capture of every trading hut will furn- 
ish furs for a regiment, and the spoils of 
the forest will be a noble substitute for rag- 
ged shirts and antedeluvian breeches. No 
need of pay, for the warlike and successful 
troops shall receive their fame in regular 
installments, and coin their was;es in cents 
at the embouchure of Coppermine river. 
Meanwhile the happy, the enlightened na- 
tion of the Gulls shall squat under their 
vines and fig trees and snuff up in every 
gale the prowess of their brethren. No 
odious accumulation of taxes shall at pres- 
ent cast a cloud on the brilliant prospect of 
my second election. No building of ships 
and fortifications shall belie the establish- 
ed character of a frugal and penurious ad- 
ministration. The sovereign people shall 
be set at rest on the ground of expense, and 



while a weekly bulletin announces the cap- 
ture of a swamp or the fall of a log-house, 
they shall exult in the glorious fortune 
which made them Gulls, and wonder how 
a government can go to war so cheap !" 

Such were the plans and ponderiugs 
which the recent declaration of war had 
lighted up within the cranium of the head 
of the nation. But it was not to so narrow 
a sphere that the effects of this portentous 
declaration were confined. At one and the 
same moment it was spreading uproar 
throughout the continent, and wafting dis- 
may and consternation across the Atlantic. 
In Great Britain its consequences were al- 
most simultaneous with its creation. Many 
weeks before the news of it could reach that 
country, before it could even be lisped by 
any imprudent functionary in France, its 
overwhelming effects be^an to burst forth in 
the fast anchored isle on even- side. Out 
went the ministry en masse, as if they had 
been dislodged from their seats by a clap of 
the "red artillery of heaven." The chan- 



8 

cell or of the exchequer was put to death 
without time to say his neck verse, and the 
Prince Regent himself, with his foot on the 
throne of his fathers, was about to suffer 
the same fate, had he not luckily bethought 
himself of the great example of Governor 
Gerry of Massachusetts, and sought instan- 
taneous refuge behind a proclamation. Even 
the crazy old king, insulated from the world 
and worn out as he was both in body and 
mind, was observed on a sudden to become 
remarkably unruly among his nurses, and 
had a paroxysm of cholic the subsequent 
morning. 



9 



Chapter II. 

Shewing hotv the Gulls make the deep to 
boil like a pot. 

In the harbour of New York lay at an- 
chor Commodore John Rogers, having the 
redoubtable navy of the Gulls under his 
command. This is not the John Rogers 
who suffered martyrdom in popery times at 
Smithfield, and was followed to the stake 
by a squadron of children, respecting the 
number of whom it is problematical wheth- 
er they were nine or ten. The worthy 
Commodore was never like to experience 
any difficulty in numbering his squadron, 
for it was a fixed maxim with the Gulls 
that no ships at all were better than a cum- 
bersome navy. Nevertheless as they had 
once been an aquatic tribe and were gener- 
ally ranked among water fowls, it was 
thought expedient to make one more ex- 
periment to ascertain whether they had lost 

B 



10 

by long disuse the art of swimming. Ac- 
cordingly the gallant naval armament 
weighed anchor and stretched out of the 
harbour, while the necks of the Gulls 
stretched after them from every shore. 
Scarcely had the squadron passed through 
the Narrows and commenced their track 
upon the ocean, leaving the highlands of 
Neversink beneath the surface of the deep ; 
when a tremendous and long continued fir- 
ing which seemed to render the very rocks 
and shores unsafe within the wind of its 
commotion, was heard off various points of 
the coast of Long Island. One frigate, two 
frigates, three frigates ; some whole and 
some dismasted, were seen at different times 
towing each other into the harbour of New 
York.* This proved a glorious triumph for 
the Gulls, abating a slight mistake of place, 
as the prizes arrived not at New York but 
at one of the harbours in the Moon, where 
they were regularly entered by Mr. Jeffer- 
son's collector. 

* See the Gull papers of the time. 



11 

Now there sailed in the squadron of the 
Commodore, a small but venomous sloop of 
war yclept the Hornet. This vessel hav- 
ing strayed perchance from the ileet, had 
the luck to fall in with a large frigate some 
dozen times its own magnitude, called the 
Belvidere, with whom she u had a slight 
brush." This bully frigate finding it im- 
possible to iioat before the buzzing and 
brushing of the Hornet, was glad to crowd 
all sail and make the best of her escape 
from so troublesome a pursuer. Tell it not 
in Halifax, said the Gull papers, publish it 
not in the streets of London, that a British 
frigate ran away from an American sloop 
of war. This " brush " however was not 
without serious consequences, for it broke 
the Commodore's leg, who was at that time 
in some part of the same ocean, and caus- 
ed two midshipmen and half a dozen sail- 
ors to die for grief; some having broken 
hearts, and the rest broken heads. Albeit,, 
this was a glorious triumph for the Gulls. 

The Jamaica fleet consisting of 150 sail 



12 

of richly laden merchantmen, was the next 
fruit of this successful expedition. Out of 
the number of this fleet one hundred and 
one sail, thirty-one sail, twenty-one sail 
were successively captured,* making in all 
153 sail. The country would have over- 
flowed with West India goods, enough to 
last even to the end of the war, had not 
these merchantmen unluckily been ordered 
for the Moon, instead of being sent into 
New York. Nevertheless, though the 
Gulls got no rum and molasses, yet they 
had triumph in abundance. 

Meanwhile this great and dignified peo- 
ple were not unmindful of the earnest and 
repeated calls of their clamorous papers to 
scour the ocean with privateers. In a 
short time the Argus opened its hundred 
eves and the Wily Reynard was racking 
his brains foi stratagems of plunder; the 
Marengo prepared to triumph in the cause 
of France, and Madison and Jefferson and 
Bona, having each a gun in his tail and 

* Vide Gull papers. 



13 

fifty tatterdemalions armed with tomahawks 
and speaking trumpets, commenced an in- 
discriminate havoc among vessels which 
could not light, of all kindreds, and nations, 
and tongues. The ocean became a mere 
theatre of indiscriminate depredation, and 
the moonlight was obscured by the cloud 
of prizes daily arriving. The ghost of 
Robert Kidd awoke from the slumber of 
ages, where he had been composed to rest 
by the soporific influence of the gallows ; 
he first rubbed his eyes, yawned, and ask- 
ed what year of our Lord it was ; then 
clearing his pipes he struck up the old 
fashioned ditty " When I sailed, when I 
sailed," and the whole posse comitatus of 
long winded privateersmen bellowed lusti- 
ly to the chorus. 

It ill beseems the impartial chronicler of 
events to rake up invidious distinctions out 
of a mingled chaos of merit, prowess and 
invincibility. Had each privateersman a 
dozen epics appropriated to his special horn 
our, they would fall infinitely short of the 



14 

glory due to his valorous achievements. 
But we should be mere losrs of wood in 
point of stupidity, and deserve everlasting 
oblivion for our much belaboured history, 
did we omit to signalize one of these gal- 
lant barks, which far outstripped the rest in 
danger and in triumph, to wit, the vessel 
that took the Plumper. 

In Boston harbour lay the empress 
Catharine of Russia, who having been for 
some time in the keeping of his Ex-honour 
the cidevant Lieut. Governor of that state ; 
on a sudden bethought herself to return as 
a letter of marque, in a peaceable manner, 
to her own Muscovian dominions. It was 
not to be expected that an amiable and un- 
protected female, while pursuing her way 
quietly on the ocean and showing hostility 
to no one save the little fishes, should 
have experienced violence or rudeness from 
any ill bred traveller of the deep. So it 
chanced, however, that an unmannerly boor 
of the family of Bulls, named Plumper, 
happening to fall in with the royal beauty, 



15 

had the impudence to exhibit some airs of 
familiarity, not to be endured by one of her 
courtly birth and rank. The presumptu- 
ous gallant was not aware that he was tak- 
ing freedoms with the real Semiramis of 
the North, until an astonishing box in the 
ear from the redoubtable fist of her hi^h- 
ness plumped him headlong into Marble- 
head in a state of half decomposition, leav- 
ing au awful lesson to all audacious clowns 
and aspiring boobies, that 

' ' No course so wild or so inf easible, 
"As that of force to win a Jezebel." 

It is with grief that we must here ac- 
knowledge that a melancholy and sombre 
cloud hangs over the brilliancy of the 
remainder of this splendid affair. In the 
course of a few days following, even while 
the Marblehead Gulls were triumphing in 
the expectation of an unprecedented prize, 
the appalling news arrived that the Catha- 
rine was in odious thraldom at Halifax, 
striving to dry her tears with the faint hope 
of deliverance from some Canadian knierht 



16 

errant ! Through what untoward juggle 
of the destines so cruel an event could have 
happened is utterly unknown. The only 
ray of light hitherto shed on this obscure 
subject by the oracles of the Gulls is, that 
it was somehow or other owing; to the d — d 
tory federalists. 

About these times a very brilliant and 
unexpected event created great astonish- 
ment among the Gulls. A certain frigate 
called the Constitution, which the Gulls had 
always hated for her name, and which they 
had loaded with curses on the very day of 
her launch ; put to sea in quest of adven- 
tures. She had the good fortune in a short 
time to fall in with an enemy of some im- 
portance, and after a short but energetic 
battle, consigned him to the custody of Da- 
vid Jones, and came home to tell the news. 
The Gulls, at this intelligence, looked aghast 
at each other, and earnestly inquired if 
there was no catch. Finding that, unlike 
their customary news, this was a clear mat- 
ter of fact, they fell to loggerheads as to 



17 

the mode of communicating it to the public. 
One thought it best to give the simple state- 
ment without comment, while another* in- 
sisted on misstating, by one half, the forces 
of the ships, alleging, that where there 
was no lie, there was no genuine t/rium/ph 
for the Gulls. 

* Vide Aurora. 



19 



Chapter III. 

Shewing how a certain doughty General of 
the Gulls goes forth to play the game of 
Hull-Gull in Upper Canada, 

' ' And from the pinnacle of glory, 
" Falls headlong into purgatory." 

While these portentous and unprece- 
dented events were transacting in various 
regions of the terraqueous globe, and alarm- 
ing the human race at the probable return 
of chaos, or at least of the iron age ; a cab- 
inet council of all the nobles and dignita- 
ries of the Gulls, was summoned in the 
capitol of their august commander, at the 
seat of government. Never since the Mil- 
tonian synod was such a council convoked; 
never was witnessed such an assemblage 
of faces, grave with unutterable concep- 
tions; of heads distended even to bursting 
with the volume of their immeasurable pro- 
jects; never were heard such torrents of 



L>0 

overpowering rhetoric, and such flashings 
of intuitive and supernatural sapience, as 
burst forth from every elbow chair, when 
the great Gull of the nation, the grand 
Mo-gull of his idolaters, brought out for 
their consideration the solemn and import- 
ant question How is Canada to be 

taken \ 

A hurricane of schemes and projects, the 
least of which would for wisdom have dis- 
tanced the son of Laertes, were ushered on 
the carpet and backed by a volley <>£ un- 
answerable arguments. One maintained 
that Canada should be carried by instanta- 
neous assault, another that it should be cir- 
cumvented by stratagem. One was for 
shutting up the god of war in the bowels 
of a wooden horse and sending him thus 
securely mounted into the centre of Que- 
bec ; another was for drying up the St. 
Lawrence as Cyrus dried up the Euphra- 
tes when he took Babylon. One more 
cruel than the rest would have given the 
signal to Widgery to make his descent up- 



21 

on the frontier territory at once, while others 
thought it more prudent to wait for the ar- 
rival of one of Bonapaite's generals. Ma- 
ny were for equipping a fleet of gun boats 
and transports loaded with Kentucky vol- 
unteers, who were to be landed at the 
mouth of Columbia river, and after a forc- 
ed march across the rocky mountains were 
to attack the enemy at a quarter where they 
were least expected. All these sage opin- 
ions however were obliged to give way, 
when the great Mo-gul himself with a look 
of gravity and consequence never to be im- 
itated, assured the assembly, that on the 
maturest consideration, he was resolved to 
take Canada by Proclamation. u By Pro- 
clamation," said he, "my illustrious pre- 
decessor defended this extensive region 
during a long and warlike reign of eight 
years, and brought the belligerent powers 
of Europe to his feet. By Proclamation I 
have commenced this great and perilous 
war, and by Proclamation 1 will carry vic- 

D 



00 



toiy into the very chimney corners of the 
enemy !" 

A general grin of approbation gave proof 
incontestible that the weis^htv sentence of 
the chief had carried conviction home to 
every stomach. The whole cabinet was 
resolved into a proclaiming committee, and 
after a session of six weeks, with no other 
assistance than a tile of the Mouiteiir, that 
stupendous Proclamation was engendered, 
which was to carry jeopardy and dismay 
from fort Churchill to Halifax. It was 
for sometime debated whether the Procla- 
mation should be sent alone, or attended by 
an escort ; but at length it was determined 
that just for form's sake, a regiment or two 
under the command of a valiant general, 
well known on the borders of Canada, 
should attend the mammoth production in- 
to that country ; and that in case of any 
unforseen difficulty, they should call for 
advice and direction upon their trusty ci- 
devant cabineteer Barnabas Bidwell, and 
other confidential friends of the great Mo- 
gul, resident in that country. 



23 

Every one now admired the deep policy 
of the great Mo-gul, who, a long time pre- 
vious to the invasion of Canada, had suffer- 
ed his trusty associates Bidwell, Gannett, 
and others, to make a generous sacrifice of 
their reputation at home, that they ] night 
qualify themselves to reside with better 
grace in the country of their enemies, and 
to make gradual preparation for the recep- 
tion of the victorious Proclamation, by 
teaching the illiterate natives how to read 
it, when it should arrive. 

In the summer of 1812, this gallant Pro- 
clamation set out from Washington and 
without any material accident arrived at 
Detroit. Immediate preparations were 
made for a descent upon the enemy's coun- 
try, and on the 12th of July the general 
and his Proclamation attended by the Tip- 
pecanoe boys, the Ohio militia, the Michi- 
gan raccoon catchers and a band of music, 
were all disembogued upon the opposite 
shore. It is here impossible to describe 
the alarm and trepidation and uproar which 



24 

spread among the astonished natives, as 
tli is terrific phalanx advanced toward their 
devoted settlements ; 

" The dogs did bark, the children screamed, 

" Up flew the windows all 

" And every soul cried well a day ! 

" As loud as they could bawl." 

The women tied in crowds from the potent 
general, notwithstanding his assurances 
that he came there "to find enemies, not to 
make them." 

!So great and so universal was the con- 
sternation that in a short time the whole 
settlement was evacuated, and the victori- 
ous general took quiet possession of a gari- 
son of dogs, cats and spiders. The flag of 
the Gulls was spliced to an old pine stump 
and the conquering army sat down to con- 
sume their bread and cheese in the very 
heart of the "land debateable." The 
Proclamation was now put in complete re- 
pair and a contract was made to have it 
transported with its appendages to fort 
Maiden. It was apprehended that the gat- 



25 

ison of that fortress might discover some 
aversion to the great state engine of their 
enemies, and therefore various advanced 
parties were sent to reconnoitre the inter- 
mediate ground, to remove any obstacles in 
the way, and to get every thing in readi- 
ness for the immediate and forcible occu- 
pation of the fort. 

It is an unalienable prerogative of him 
who writes histories to pass judgment on 
the events which he describes, and to ac- 
quaint the ignorant public, not only how 
things have been, but also how they should 
have been. Many a disastrous campaign 
would have been brilliantly successful had 
it been conducted by the historian instead 
of the general ; and many an empire owes 
its birth or decay to the trivial circumstance 
that it was not coeval with a hawk eyed 
critic or antiquarian. The author of the 
present narrative can discern with half an 
eye that the invasion of Canada was not 
conducted with that accuracy and discre- 
tion which has usually marked the move- 

E 



26 

ments of the Gulls. He is of opinion that 
an instantaneous attack should have been 
made upon the fort, and that the Proclama- 
niation should have been tumbled in head- 
long among the petrified garrison, before 
they could recover from the surprize of tin- 
onset. But the unlucky destinies had or- 
dered it otherwise, and many precious days 
and nights were wasted in achievements, 
which although full of glory to the actors 
in them; contributed nothing to the grand 
object of the expedition. Some have 
foolishly asserted that their delay was ow- 
ing to the want of gun carriages, provis- 
ions and ammunition ; but others more ac- 
quainted with cabinet mysteries say that 
their instructions forbade them to act until 
they could effect cooperation with Barna- 
bas Bid well, in such a manner as to attack 
the garrison on one side, while Barnabas 
marched up his school to the assault on the 
other. However wise this scheme might 
have been, it certainly procrastinated the 
capture of the Canadian fort. 



27 

Meanwhile the Gulls who remained qui- 
etly roosting at home, were not to be 
baulked of their triumph. Although Fort 
Maiden was not captured in reality, yet in 
the newspapers it was taken a thousand 
times. The whole genus clapped their 
sides in exultation and croaked out " Glo- 
ry, Glory to the heroes of Tippecanoe!" 
A village of log houses in the state of Ohio 
was brilliantly illuminated with pine torch- 
es, and the only entire suit of clothes the 
town could boast was sacrificed to the lau- 
dable ambition of burning king Georo-e in 
effigy. In short all those Gulls who were 
remote from the scene of hostility puffed up 
their sides, looked big and terrible, and 
assailed the enemy at a distance with a 
shower of reproaches and war resolutions. 

At the same time the army, although Fort 
Maiden had not yet been prostrated before 
their terrific looks, did not remain inactive. 
If episodes were a part of the plan of this 
history, the reader would not fail to be as- 
tonished, with such accounts of desperate 



28 

deeds done by individuals, or by small de- 
tachments from the army, as would make 
each particular hair to stand erect on his 
head, and would elicit his benedictions up- 
on the stars for not making him a Canadian. 
It would then be known how one of the 
raccoon catchers, after being tumbled from 
his horse, run down an Indian in a fair 
chase and left him stretched upon the 
ground, a scalpless warning to his tawny 
brethren to beware how they burnt their 
fingers in this war of extermination. It 
would then be seen how an army of eight 
hundred sheep capitulated to a force of one 
half their number, and how the victors re- 
turned in triumph loaded with trophies, 
having each man a sheep on his back. It 
would then be seen how various detach- 
ments of the grand army penetrated far in- 
to the woods, even beyond the shelter of 
the Proclamation ; and there bravely chal- 
lenged the enemy to the combat, but find- 
ing that nothing appeared to oppose them 
except the trees, they turned about and 



29 

marched back without the loss of a man. 
It would then be seen how certain of the 
militia displayed an heroic contempt of 
death, which would have done honour to 
veterans, by declaring, as the}- ran away, 
that "the}- had rather be killed by their 
officers than by those d— d Indians." 

It had never been dreamt of by the sages 
who got up the Gull Proclamation, that it 
would befal this engine of war to be pitted 
against one of its own description ; or that 
the emeny could possibly understand an art 
which was .thought peculiar to the great 
nation. So it fell out, however, that while 
the army were wantonly jeopardizing the 
strong holds of Maiden, and preparing 
their stomachs for dinners out of the pock- 
ets of their enemies ; the very serious news 
arrived that a powerful Proclamation, rating 
an equal force with their own, and manned 
and equipped "for all contingencies," had 
been fitted out by the governor of Upper 
Canada, and was rapidly advancing against 
them, under a furious escort of Bulls and 



30 

Indians. This intelligence was as unex- 
pected as it was overwhelming. To re- 
main and abide the brunt of battle, to con- 
front these mighty and exterminating Pro- 
clamations in dubious fray and ruinous as- 
sault ; would have engendered a scene of 
sanguinary slaughter unprecedented in the 
annals of civilized warfare. Besides, the 
commander of the Gullic army, by the 
words of his own manifesto, had come there 
" to look down opposition," not to tight it. 
And as his force was but the vanguard of a 
much greater, it was evidently unfair to 
dose them with a battle calculated for ten 
times their number. On these weighty 
considerations it was determined by the 
general to abandon his precarious situation, 
and make the best of his way bock again to 
the territories he had left. The only diffi- 
culty that laboured in his mind was, to 
imagine how the Gulls would ever be able 
to make a triumph out of a precipitate night 
before the enemy. But at last, having 
quieted himself with the sagacious reflec- 
tion, 



31 

' ' That when a fight becomes a chase 
" Those win the day that win the race," 

he instantly gave orders for every mother's 
son to make the best of his way to the side 
of the river where he belonged. 

We now behold the redoubtable army 
of the North West, after having invaded 
Canada, taken all of it that tvas worth talc- 
ing, and effected a masterly retreat home- 
ward ; at last quietly encamped upon their 
own duns liill at Detroit. It was confi- 
dently expected that hostilities in this quar- 
ter would cease, and that no more would 
be heard of the din of arms, until the god 
of war should light up the flame of discord 
in the east, and hurl the firebrands of de- 
vastation about the ears of the astonished 
Quebeckers. But all attempts at pacifica- 
tion were vain and hopeless, notwithstand- 
ing that John Bull had been on his marrow 
bones at the capitol, earnestly begging an 
armistice to gain a moment's breath from 
his merciless beating. The great Mo-gul. 
had sworn by the beard of his secretary, 



32 

that he would not "trade or barter, by giv- 
ing or by taking quarter," until the Gulls 
ceased to be a nation, or Canada was ex- 
terminated from the map of the world. 

The Bulls already flushed with success, 
now collected their forces and determined 
to hazard the attempt of storming the Gulls 
in their own nest. They crossed the river 
and set in array a more formidable host 
than had ever darkened the wilderness 
with frowns. On one side marched the 
grim General Brock, having a huge pair 
of whiskers, and on the other the ill looking 
warrior Tecumseh, having no whiskers at 
all. The face of things was now changed, 
and the exterminating party were in their 
turn threatened with extermination. Here 
was a contingency which no one had fore- 
seen, and against which not even the Pro- 
clamation had provided. The unhappy 
and disconsolate commander of the Gulls, 
unwilling to shed the blood of his follow- 
ers by confronting their empty guns and 
hungry bellies with the brawney and beef 



33 

fed warriors of the north ; with a heavy 
heart and a rueful physiognomy, put his 
reluctant signature to the articles of a gen- 
eral surrender ! And thus the heroes of 
Tippecanoe, tipped up their canoe in the 
slough of Detroit. 

On the occurence of this unexpected 
event, the whole army from the most iron 
hearted colonel, to the most delicate naiad 
of a washer woman that followed in its 
train, was overwhelmed with a flood of 
shame, and shed tears of vexation and grief. 
It is positively asserted by Daniel Dobbin 
and other learned historians, whom the 
chief of the Gulls has employed to write 
the annals of this eventful campaign, that 
at the moment when the general was yield- 
ing to the fear of bloodshed and starvation, 
Avhole herds of cattle were grazing in the 
fields, and the delicate mutton of those me- 
rinos which had unconditionally surrender- 
ed to his arms, was walking on its legs 
under the noses of the army. It has been 
asserted by some authors of respectable 

p 



34 

authority that the general had sworn a tre- 
mendous oath, that he would not lift a 
butcher knife against an individual of the 
merino tribe, until their wool should arrive 
at a degree of maturity and perfection, ca- 
pable of furnishing him a coat, equal in 
magnificence to that of his great rival and 
compeer in the east. Be this as it may, 
there are many other historians of prodi- 
gious veracity who maintain that this very 
signal disaster was owing to the incompe- 
tent force of the Proclamation ; which, it 
is asserted, had not a single torpedo in its 
train, nor even a terrestrial gun-boat for its 
assistance. However the Gulls did not in- 
cline to give credit to the latter opinion. 

Courteous and considerate reader, pause 
here a moment to ponder on the instabil- 
ity of human greatness. Those very 
Gulls who had made themselves hoarse 
with the praises of their general, and had 
filled the very skies with his exploits, now 
fell upon him with unrelenting fury, and 
pounced and plucked and roasted him for 



35 

a blockhead, a coward and a traitor. So 
emphatically true is it that pride may have 
a fall, and that he who rides in the triumph- 
al chariot, may be upset by the jostling of 
a stone ; 

' ' And from the pinnacle of glory 
" Fall headlong into purgatory." 



So when the general had made an end 
of conquering Canada he sat down and 
sang the following psalm. 

Two staunch looking Hulls, 

Fitted out by the Gulls, 
A Demo, on land, and a Fed. on the water, 

As they cruized for their game, 

With their blood all on flame, 
Made the forest to roar and the ocean to spatter. 

The federal Hull 

Gave chase to John Bull, 
And was soon alongside of the thundering Guerrier ; 

With his balls and his powder 

So thickly he plough'd her 
She sunk a mere wreck, and the Gulls ne'er sung 
merrier. 



36 



The Demo, on land, 

Proclamation in hand, 
Direct on fort Maiden bore down like a navy ; 

There stood General Brock 

In his way, like a rock, 
So the Hull struck and bilged, and the crew cried 
pecavi. 

Now the Gulls, all aghast, 

With groans fill the blast, 
And lustily cry " build a navy and man it ; 

And if we must be gulls, 

O let us be sea gulls, 
And give up our conquests to Bidwell and Gannett.*' 



FINIS. 



